This Thanksgiving, I Will Remember the 80/20 Rule

My son is in Afghanistan. He'll be there through Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Easter, possibly his 21st birthday and his first wedding anniversary. At times, I feel a terrible sense of loss, since our family celebrates every holiday with joy and abandon, and every holiday is just one more excuse for a family party, for one of us to polish up our home, open our front door, and invite the whole family in, with whatever hangers-on there are at the moment. And there will be food. Lots of food.

It's part of my mother's legacy. When she died, we discovered many, many large plastic garbage cans labeled with all the holidays and seasons. We carted them off to my husband's warehouse, set up big tables, and started unpacking the cans. By the time we were done unpacking ornaments, knick knacks, human, animal, sacred and fantastical figurines, green trees, gold trees, leafless brown trees, vases, towels, tablecloths, napkins, framed cards and posters, EVERY holiday (and I mean EVERY holiday) and every season was well represented. We could have opened a holiday store and done quite well. To my mother, the cycle of seasons and holidays was a cycle of family gatherings. And so it is to me, too.

So it grieves me that my son will miss the holidays. And it grieves me that he and his new wife had so little time together before he was deployed. But that would be the 20%.

The 80% is gratitude for family, all of it -- by blood, by marriage, by friendship -- that surrounds us, and my son, and his new young wife, sending letters and Motomails, cheerfully sewing sleeping bag liners because I am too inept to do so, letting me know that they prayed for him in church on Sunday.

The 80% is gratitude for work -- that I have work, and people I enjoy working with, and fellow Marine moms that I have discovered, who simply take my hand and hold it when I say, "My son deployed," because they understand all the things I'm not saying.

The 80% is gratitude for shelter -- I have a good house, and a beautiful front yard that I planted myself last deployment and, surprisingly, has flourished.

The 80% is gratitude for health -- which, given my age, and not particularly healthy habits, is consistently good barring a few aches and pains.

The 80% is gratitude for my children -- my beautiful daughter who has settled in to a new job, a new boyfriend, a new plan for her life, and seems happy to see me and actually enjoys my company! My son, who teases me even when he calls from Afghanistan, and finds joy in his Emmie, the best IED-sniffing dog in the world.

The 80% is gratitude for my husband, who married me and has lived with me for 27 years, and still seems to like me and seems to know exactly when I've reached my limit, and makes my dinner, turns on my electric blanket and tells me to go to bed and read a book.

The 80% is gratitude for my parents, whose greatest ambition was to raise happy children who knew they were loved.

The 80% is gratitude for this community. How odd and how wonderful that there are people here whom I've never met, but whom I consider among my best friends. In many ways, it is this group that has taught me to embrace the 80%, where no news is good news, and I can laugh at Semper Gumby and make movies about him, and Homecoming and Stateside are two of the most beautiful words in the English language.

This Thanksgiving, I will remember the 80%, and fill myself up not just with turkey and mashed potatoes and stuffing -- although I will surely do that -- but with love for my family, and gratitude and thankfulness that I have so much.

10 members like this

Next Post >

Comment

You need to be a member of Marine Family Network to add comments!

Join Marine Family Network

Comment by hotrodsmom on December 23, 2011 at 1:08pm: Thank you!!!

Comment by louise on November 26, 2011 at 5:33pm: Thanks Julie!

Comment by 1~17smom (Julie) on November 25, 2011 at 4:52pm: I often write blogs to remind myself of something I am in need of remembering in that moment. It's just serendipity when others read it and find something for themselves in it. I guess that's just one more reason for that infinite line of Marine parents, each of us leaning forward to whisper in the next parent's ear a thought, a hope, a bit of wisdom that was whispered in our own ears by the parent behind us. I'm grateful for this MFN world, where I can listen to and speak to other Marine families.

Julie

3/3 Weapons Co

Deployed

Comment by chester's mom on November 25, 2011 at 1:34pm: Julie, I don't know if you realize how many people your words have helped. For me, this has been a most unwanted journey where I focused on the 20%. You have helped me see the 80% and taught me how to see the blessings of the 80%. Whenever I am feeling overwhelmed (and my son isn't even deployed yet) I turn to MFN and read something written by you. I know I will be reading and re-reading even more as my son's deployment approaches. Thank you for being here, thank you for writing regularly, and thank you for all your help.

Comment by paraqac (Margie) on November 24, 2011 at 2:43pm: Sweet Julie...what a great little pearl you have written here. Happy Thanksgiving to you, our Marines, the wonderful people in this community AND our families...Happy Thanksgiving to us all.

Margie

Comment by 3n1mom on November 24, 2011 at 2:15pm: Julie, Once again, you have spoken for us all!

Have a very Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family, Julie!

Happy Thanksgiving and prayers to all of my friends on Marine Parents!

Comment by ProudMomNMiss [Pam] on November 24, 2011 at 1:46pm: Another awesome blog. Thank you, Julie. Happy Thanksgiving. :) {{{{hugs}}}}

Comment by Double Dad on November 24, 2011 at 1:22pm: Happy Thanksgiving Julie.

Comment by debbiewi on November 24, 2011 at 11:12am: Julie, Thank you. This is just what I needed to read today. This will be my first holiday without my son being able to be home. Prayers for your son during his deployment and blessings to you and your family.